12 Unspoken American Habits That Confuse the Rest of the World (And Honestly, Us Too)

Let’s face it—America is a wonderful, weird, waffle-loving place. But sometimes, our everyday habits make the rest of the world pause mid-sip of tea and whisper, “Are they okay over there?” Spoiler alert: We don’t know either.

Here are 12 very American things we all do that totally confuse the planet—and ourselves.

1. Using Ranch Dressing as a Personality Trait

We treat ranch dressing like it’s a life-saving serum. Pizza? Ranch. Salad? Ranch. Birthday cake? Don’t tempt us. Somewhere in Texas, someone just dipped their Twinkie in ranch and called it innovation.

2. Tipping Culture: A Math Test Disguised as Kindness

No one really knows how much to tip. Is it 15%? 20%? 50% if they smiled extra hard? Foreigners are out here just trying to pay for their pancakes, and we’ve given them a surprise pop quiz in social economics.

3. Apologizing to Inanimate Objects

“Oh, sorry, Mr. Chair.”
We bump into a table and act like we’ve deeply wronged it. The emotional labor we do for furniture is unmatched.

4. Calling It ‘Football’ But Never Using Feet

Imagine explaining American football to someone from Europe. “So they mostly use their hands?”
“Yes.”
“But it’s called foot–”
“SHHHHHHH.”

5. Measuring Everything in Bald Eagles and Cheeseburgers

“Yeah, it’s about 5 football fields long, weighs like 3,000 cheeseburgers, and goes 2 bald eagles per second.”
We reject the metric system like it insulted our grandma’s potato salad.

6. Portion Sizes That Can Feed a Small Village

Order a medium soda in the U.S. and you get a personal swimming pool with a straw. “You want a small?” “Sure.” Gets a cup the size of a toddler.

7. Obsessing Over Pumpkin Spice Like It’s a Legal High

September hits and suddenly, we’re all basic witches. Lattes, candles, cereal, air fresheners, toothpaste—if it doesn’t taste like cinnamon sadness and fall nostalgia, we don’t want it.

8. Saying ‘Let’s Hang Out!’ and Then Never Speaking Again

“Let’s totally grab coffee sometime!”
Translation: “I will now avoid eye contact with you for 7-9 months.”

9. Our Love-Hate Relationship with Florida

Is it a vacation paradise? A lawless swamp kingdom? An alligator reality show? Yes to all. Florida is the chaotic neutral of the United States.

10. Putting Ice in Everything. Even Regret.

Europeans drink room temperature water. We? We want it painfully cold. Like, “I just licked Antarctica” cold. If your drink isn’t 87% ice, were you even hydrated?

11. Overusing the Word “Literally” Until It Means Nothing

“I was literally dying.”
Were you? Were you really flatlining because they were out of oat milk at Starbucks?

12. Our National Pastime: Arguing Over the Best Fast Food

Taco Bell at 2 a.m. is a sacred experience. But mention In-N-Out vs. Whataburger at a family gathering and prepare for a full-scale civil war with fries as weapons.